Are you an introvert and struggling to be one in an extroverted world? In this guest episode with introvert coach Siska Wijaya from Australia, we open up about our experiences growing up as introverts and how it impacted us. Siska shares her take on how introverts can accept themselves for who they are and deal with an environment that may not accept them.
Xin Lei: Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode of the Unbox Your Life podcast. Today, we have a guest with us from Australia. She is an introvert coach. We will be talking about finding self-acceptance as an introvert. Hello Siska!
0:40
Siska: Hello Xin Lei. How are we? Thank you again for having me here! And yes, I am an introvert coach. I support my fellow introverts to fully embrace their introverted self and create their own version of a full inspired life where I teach them boundaries, self-care, and mindfulness. And pretty much I want to help the younger version of me, which I’ve been seeing everywhere nowadays.
I grew up in Indonesia, and at that time I didn’t know I was an introvert. It was more like I didn’t know there was even a term for that. But what I can recall is that I’m constantly teased about having only 1 or 2 close friends. And in my classroom, my close friend and I were always referred as the quiet ones. And then they always asked us to copy our homework. I remember that. And we never actually said no. And how I have always been, I wouldn’t say criticised, but my relatives really didn’t like it when I’d rather go to the bookstore on my own than join them browsing other stores. And I prefer solitude, but that was not encouraged. I kept being told that I have to go to this gathering or this event, or this is just the tradition, you have to be there. But it just drains me. And whenever I’m alone in my room, that is when I’m happiest. And I like drawing. At the time, I used to just draw comics. And then that’s how, actually, I got lost in time. And it did feel like I didn’t have anyone that I could chat to, but I could just interact with my drawings. Well, I actually never shared this story with anyone else.
And then I moved to Australia to study, and then I guess that was when I was left to fend for myself because I was being looked after very well growing up in Indonesia, having someone else to do things for me. And I had to fit in, I had to adapt, I had to learn to cook, I had to learn how to balance my expenses. And then it was tough, I must admit. In the first three months, I remember calling my mom, and I cried. And her response was like, you chose to go there, put up with it. Okay, that wasn’t really the kind of comfort that I was looking for. But I must say that I’m grateful for that because it being here, moving here allowed me to grow up, grow fully as a person. And then, Australia is also where I learned this concept about living for myself. I am free to choose what I want to do. I do not have to do life as expected.
Of course, this revelation didn’t happen until very recently, 2016, where I was just at the lowest point of my life, where I found it hard to sleep at night, even having like sleeping pills. The night before, there were days that I actually didn’t sleep until morning because I was so anxious about how things might turn out. And that stemmed probably from having to answer to everyone else, rather than putting my own needs first. And yeah that year when I said enough is enough, I decided to start doing something about it. I sought help for the first time, maybe like back in my hometown or back in Indonesia. I don’t think I would actually be brave enough to actually go asking for help because there is still this stigma that you are a crazy person if you do seek help. I don’t know if you can relate to that as well. But my psychologist really helped me become a better version of myself.
And I came across the book by Eckhart Tolle as well, which I’m sure you know. I must credit that book as changing my life because from there I learned the power of presence, and then the only time that we live in is only in present moment and nothing else matters. Not everything else is just a story in your mind. And it changed my life literally. And then I met a life coach, which at that point of time I didn’t even know what a life coach was, but I was so inspired by her that I enrolled in the same coaching academy that she completed her studies in, simply for wanting to enrich myself. I ended up falling in love with coaching, and then, yeah, since then I have been coaching. Coaching as well, I find it very rewarding. It’s different type of appreciation that you get compared to the appreciation that you receive at your 9-to-5 job, I must say.
Xin Lei: Yeah, I agree. I can relate to you. It seems like you went through a lot of struggles through your experience as an introvert, and then you managed to share with other people and help people like you said, the past version of yourself. I think I can relate to that as a coach, and I think we have some common experiences as well. Like you mentioned that you moved abroad and experienced a different culture, and also that helped you to become a better person. I also went through that as well. Yeah, thank you for sharing about your background. I’m very inspired by what you do as an introvert coach. Really, I haven’t actually met another introvert coach. I think you’re the only one I know about. And I was just really drawn to what you do because I really believe we need this. As an introvert, I want introverts, the whole introvert community to be empowered because I really understand the struggles that we go through and we have gone through.
Siska: Yes, even until now, like when I still face questions like, Why are you so quiet? Why are you leaving now? Can you stay a bit longer? Why have you never come to our gathering? The list of questions is just endless. And most of the time, my responses are just shrug. Because there really is no answer to that. Because that is just simply who I am. I go out to gatherings that I choose to go. I don’t go to all of them. And even that, I make plans around that gathering. Like, how am I going to recharge my battery after that gathering? Well, how can I help better prepare myself for this gathering so I don’t end up exhausted after socialising or something like that? So I make sure that in all scenarios, in all gatherings, I put my own needs first. And then I even like in any social events. I’m just happy sitting in my quiet corner and observing rather than going around the room and trying to talk to everyone.
Xin Lei: Yeah, yeah. Me too. Yeah, I’m sure the same things keep coming up for you, right? Like, I mean people might never understand, but the way that you learned how to deal with it now is definitely very different from your past younger self.
Siska: Yes, yeah.
11:22
Xin Lei: Yeah. So for today’s topic, I’m really interested to get your input about it. We’re going to talk about self-acceptance as an introvert. I think you have shared with us just now about the struggles of growing up introverted. Yes, I think it’s stuff that probably many other introverts can relate to. And how do you think that impacts their self-perception? For instance, how did it impact your self-perception?
Siska: I found that like having this personality was a wrong thing. And that’s like I would never be accepted. It was just wrong to have this personality. I had to change. I had to go to every social event that I was invited to, even though I ended up exhausted, even though I didn’t say out how I felt. But it certainly manifested in how I reacted to certain things, like certain triggers. I might actually just get irritated at something that seemed quite simple. That is because that acted more like a cry to be accepted simply for just wanting to be who I am rather than… because I have been forcing myself to be accepted, to be someone who I am not. So it was just really tough.
As I mentioned earlier as well, it came to the point that I was just putting everyone else’s needs before me, that at work I strive for perfection. And then when it was done to the quality that is expected, I wanted to do it more. And if I don’t get it to the quality that I wanted, then I beat myself up for it. Then I got burned out. And then my manager at the time called me in and then he told me that he received some complaint that I might have been a bit too, I wouldn’t say rude but maybe I yelled at them. But I was grateful to have a manager who was actually very understanding, he understood me completely. the stress that I have been having at the time. He understood my personal struggles. So at that time I was very comfortable like I cried literally while talking to him or just sharing what my struggle was. And having someone who understood definitely helped.
But yeah, it did feel like a rejection. Then okay I tried to be my best, I tried to be what you say yet you still expect me to be more and more and more. I don’t have anymore to give you. I’m exhausted so yeah it just got worse and worse too. Now I’m quite comfortable in saying that I am still taking my anti-anxiety medication. I’m still seeing my psychologist simply to keep my mental health in check. I actually have never said this out loud for fear that you’re crazy or for fear that this might not be seen as a good thing. But I’m not afraid to share it anymore because the more people know that it is okay, the more of us know that it is okay to seek help, the better. It’s not a bad thing to seek help. In fact, I say that you are very brave to reach out to me to ask for help. Thank you and I appreciate that because it’s not an easy thing to do in a culture that prioritises that you have to run solo.
Xin Lei: Mm hmm. Yeah, there’s definitely no shame in reaching out for help. And I empathise with the struggles that you have had to go through. It sounds really tough. And I know the pain — the pain of being rejected for who you are. I think fundamentally we humans just crave acceptance from people, right? Like acceptance and understanding, like what you said, when you were understood, that was really a big help to you. Yeah, we just all want to be accepted for who we are.
Siska: Yes, there’s really nothing wrong with being who you are. No, and something that I also learned recently is like you can’t force people to like you. Not everyone is going to like you, but not everyone is going to dislike you either. We are not meant to stay in everyone’s lives. Choose to surround ourselves with those who actually energise us rather than those who drain us. And I had to accept that just very recently someone whose friendship that I cherish the most might not see me in the same way. But I wouldn’t say I don’t care. It does hurt. But as long as it doesn’t change my perception of me, of him and how he makes me feel, I don’t see that being a problem whatsoever. Because, as I just mentioned, we can’t make people like us or do certain things that they don’t want to.
Xin Lei: Yeah, we can’t control other people, right?
Siska: Yeah.
Xin Lei: We cannot control what is outside of ourselves.
Siska: Correct.
18:30
Xin Lei: Yeah. So I have a question for you. Suppose there’s an introvert and maybe it happens that all the people around him or her are not accepting her. Okay, like I guess that’s quite likely to happen maybe, in childhood experience. Because let’s say you are put into school, you don’t get to choose people right? Now as adults we can choose to surround ourselves with the people who are more like us and who accept us. But then as a child maybe they do not have that power, and then everyone around them is maybe just not accepting them for who they are, and they feel like it’s wrong to be themselves. From that point, I guess that’s where the deepest struggle is. What would your advice be for them to overcome this? How can they gain self-acceptance? How can they learn to accept themselves when no one else does?
Siska: Hmm. Yes, what I would like to say is it starts with the power of presence. Just realising that where you are right now and embrace who you truly are. The very first step is always going to be hard, but it’s going to lead you towards the end that you want, which is to be, I wouldn’t say to be accepted, but to be okay with who you are and and surround yourself with those who actually accept you for being who you are. And it can be difficult when you are constantly surrounded by those who encourage you to be someone else, and it might be difficult to remove yourself from that situation but you can start by saying no to this invitation. I would say when it comes to that, it always come back to what is important to you. What are your values? What are your priorities? And from there you’ll know what your boundaries are, and then you’ll get to create that acceptance within yourself, which will lead you towards creating a life that you will fully love, that you get to create yourself, that is free of expectations.
Xin Lei: Hmm. So I think you’re saying that we have to have a self-understanding first? Like clarify what we really want.
Siska: Fully embrace, yeah, what we really want, what are truly important to us and then knowing that what our values are will change as time progresses and that is completely okay. There is nothing wrong with changing your values or how your values change over time because nothing is permanent in life. That is one thing for certain in life. Nothing is permanent.
Xin Lei: Yeah, it can be a lifelong process too right?
Siska: Yeah, it can be a lifelong process. Rather than seeing it as a failure or struggles, I really love to coin or reframe that as lessons. I really love the saying by this evangelist, Joel Osteen, that I heard one time. He said something about you are not defined by your past. We are prepared by our past, which to me is wow, okay, that is really true. That is really empowering.
Xin Lei: Yeah, that’s a very empowering perspective.
Siska: Our past doesn’t define us. Instead, it prepares us for our future, for what is to come.
Xin Lei: Hmm, hmm, I think I can relate to this, struggling with my past. Sometimes when I look back at my struggles as an introvert, then I often fall into the mindset of victimhood. I feel like, why were people like that to me? But I think the turning point, I don’t know if you would agree with me on this, is when we decide that we want better for ourselves and to take a responsibility for that, to set the boundaries, to love ourselves and respect ourselves, respect our needs enough that we would honour these boundaries, then things will truly start to change for the better.
Siska: Yes, having boundaries is one way to look after ourselves, definitely. And I always say to my clients that you might feel bad when you say your first no, might feel guilty, but reframe it as you’re celebrating yourself for putting your own needs first. It will feel awkward during the first few notes, but after a while, it will get easier. It is a lifelong journey rather than a skill set that you master for once and that’s it.
Xin Lei: Yes, true.
25:55
So, Siska, what do you personally think is beautiful or great about being an introvert? Because I think we’ve been talking about how people usually view introverts, and it’s usually quite negative, right? Like they think they are not sociable, they think they are maybe very aloof but the truth is not. It is only coming from their perception. But what objectively is great about being an introvert? I think we need to say more of that because… affirmations for introverts!
Siska: Yes, I recently interviewed someone who is an extrovert for my podcast so that we can compare, we can truly understand how each personality works. It is funny how she mentioned whenever she’s around her introverted friend, she just keeps talking, but her friend never said stop. So, she just keeps talking, or sometimes she just speaks without thinking and how she wishes that she could actually stop for a moment before she starts talking because she has probably offended some people. But back to the question: What I’m most proud of being an introvert and what I believe our introvert superpower is that again, we think before we speak, and that makes us a great listener. And because of that, we are great at solving problems, because by observing a conversation between two people or more, we are simply observing, we can tell what could possibly be done to remedy the situation. Or we can tell the underlying emotion behind the words being spoken. And I always pride myself for it. And I have been in a few situations where a few people arguing because one person refused to listen to the other while the answer was already being given at the start of a conversation.
Xin Lei: (laugh)
Siska: Sometimes while I was quietly observing. I was just laughing inside. But when it got to the point when it actually bothered me, I actually spoke up, and she already said this is the answer, now can we please go back to enjoying our meals? And this is like, yeah, if only you listened, you know. Because we listen with our intention to actually listen. And some people actually listen, but they keep wanting to interrupt. I find that very common in the workplace. There was actually one time I had to raise my voice before my extroverted colleague was about to interrupt me. And what my extroverted guest at the time actually commented to that story, saying some extroverts actually don’t realise they were doing that. It’s just within their nature. They have to be told that, hey, shut up, it’s my turn, something like that. (laugh) I really enjoyed that conversation. I think it really is like bridging the gap between two different personalities. Anyway, let’s just come back to this topic before we get carried away.
Xin Lei: Yeah, so you think introverts are great listeners? Yeah, and it’s such an important skill to have — listening. I mean, I’ve heard true listening is a skill.
Siska: It is!
Xin Lei: Yeah, like not the kind of pretending to be listening. Well, I’ve also actually heard that like introverts. I’ve heard this study that says that I think highly. Have you heard of highly sensitive persons, HSP?
Siska: Yes, but I don’t know too much about it.
Xin Lei: Okay, so I think it said that 70%, like not all, but a huge majority of HSPs are introverts. I mean, I’m someone who identifies myself as one. They usually tend to have, due to their more sensitive nature, they are more sensitive, they’re more empathetic. Yeah, they’re very empathetic. So they can feel other people, and then I also heard they are more sensitive to beauty and that’s why a lot of artists or writers are introverts actually. So I think maybe that’s the beauty of being an introvert, you have a rich inner world. So maybe the books that we read, I think you said you read The Power of Now, right? I also read The Power of Now. Yep, it seems like we are drawn to like certain subjects I guess? Kind of like the deeper subjects on spirituality and psychology. That’s 1 thing I observed about introverts.
Siska: Yes, I love that book. And then Loving What Is, by Byron Katie as well. And I’m currently reading Unbound, by Cassia Urbaniak, which I have been enjoying as well. So yeah, Eckhart Tolle is more like “What is” while Byron Katie and Cassia is more like about “How to”, based on the same concept.
33:25
Xin Lei: Wow, it seems like you can recommend probably a reading list. I love it. Okay, so maybe the last thing I want to ask is what advice would you have as a coach for introverts to deal with people who might not accept them for who they are? So maybe now they accept themselves for who they are, but what are the kind of skills that they can build up on to protect themselves, like you did in your case, to like protect your boundaries and assert yourself?
Siska: You know, yep, it’s going to take time. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. And as I mentioned earlier as well, it all starts with knowing what your values are so that you can get clear on what your priorities and boundaries are. And then, so from there, you can actually know what you truly are not okay with and you get to find that brings you joy. And you got to make the effort because it is very easy to say that Yes, I want to change my life, but unless you do something about it and unless you commit to it, it’s not going to happen. So if you truly want create a better life, or if you really want to live a life that you truly love, start by finding what is truly important to you: What are really your values, priorities, boundaries? And then utilise the power of mindfulness, self-care, and again boundaries. And yeah, go from there. It is a lifelong process. With each interaction, you always learn something.
It never is a failure, rather, it’s a lesson. Again, what happened in the past does not define you, but it prepares you for what is to come. You can either choose to look at it as failure or as a lesson. Choose the latter. It is a lesson. So now you can take action, a completely different action, on that same situation should it happen again. And it’s not going to be easy to say your first No, but again remember when you say that first No, I want you to remember that you are actually prioritising yourself, and that is something to be celebrated. That guilt is gonna show up in the first few Nos, but keep going. Keep celebrating yourself for putting yourself first. That’s all I can say really.
Xin Lei: Celebrating yourself, I love that. Yeah, it might seem like small steps of progress, but it’s very important to celebrate it.
Siska: Celebrate it. Even things that might seem trivial, like just say, oh I actually went out today. Or actually just say, I celebrated the fact that I scheduled in a mini break for today. Something small or something that might seem trivial and then practice gratitude as well. That will definitely help by embracing and accepting who you are this present moment.
Xin Lei: Gratitude. Sometimes when I do my gratitude exercise, I think about the people who accept me for who I am, like my current friends, and I really just feel joyful, like wow there are these people accept me for who I am in my life. It changes my perspective because sometimes we are too bogged down by the negativity right? Like people who don’t accept us then we are like ah… like we focus on that instead. But actually, why not bring the focus to those who are already accepting you? You know, your friends.
Siska: Yes, I love that. I love to meet up with friends every now and then, those who actually understand me and and accept me, rather than going to meet up those who are just going to drain me out. You know?
Xin Lei: Yep. Well, I’m also grateful that I met you know online. Because I wouldn’t have known we would be collaborating on this together and talking about our experiences. It’s true. It’s really healing for me to connect with you and share about our experiences and our common struggles.
Siska: Yep, I must say, as much as I do not like being on social media, but if there is one thing that I’m grateful about social media, it is that it allows me to meet like-minded people around the world whom without which, I wouldn’t probably have met.
Xin Lei: Yeah, exactly. I’m so happy. Thank you so much, Siska, for sharing your experiences with us and sharing your advice for our audience who would resonate with these struggles. So, is there anything else you would like to add for the introverts out there?
Siska: Just keep being you. You don’t need to change.
Xin Lei: YES. Be yourself!
Siska: Be yourself. You are different and that is your superpower, my friend.
Xin Lei: Yes, beautiful. That’s the main theme, the core message of today’s episode. Okay, then for our audience who might be interested in your work, how can they find you? Can you share your details?
Siska: Of course, yes. I have an Instagram, though I am not very active there, it is @ms_siska_wijaya, and I have a website which is www.siskawijaya.com as well. I offer 1-on-1 three-months coaching and then one of intensive program, and I also have a podcast which actually was born out of my love and hate relationship with social media. I would love for you to check it out. It is called The Introverts’ Chat. And yeah, I’m so glad to be able to share my insight and to be here in this space and thank you again. I hope you find this episode inspiring and yeah, just be yourself my love, you are amazing.
Xin Lei: It’s a pleasure to have you here on today’s episode, Siska. Thank you so much again and thank you to the audience listening to this. Goodbye, everyone!
